Archive 2018 January
LeBron drafts best player in the NBA

LeBron drafts best player in the NBA

I’m only joshing, but LeBron drafting the best player on the Warriors while the other three toil away hopelessly in a double-digit loss will make the All-Star Game much more enjoyable for me.

The NBA not releasing the rounds in the draft recap is criminal. LeBron ended up with Kyrie, which I already have my conspiratable doubts about, but if he did make this pick of his own volition and not while Adam Silver whispered in his ear and massaged his shoulders, I need to know what round Kyrie had his heart broken in.

I really hope Steph dropped him off his board in an attempt to poison LeBron’s roster. What, isn’t the ASG supposed to be fun?!?

At this point we can assume Steph drafted Draymond first to serve as assistant GM. Dray would no doubt draft Damian Lillard ten times over in order to create a disturbance in the force. No disrespect to Dame, it’s just that Kyrie sacrificed his basic sense and intellect in order to fill his head with more basketball play-making ability.

Team LeBron 148, Team Curry 124

Tyronn Lue does some tinkering

Tyronn Lue does some tinkering

Coach Lue has made a move that some would say is overdue much like a Khloe Kardashian celebrity app and inserted Tristan Thompson back into the starting lineup.

It’s almost as if all but calling Kevin Love a god-awful defender out loud to the media made him see the light more clearly than the ballhandler against Kevin Love in a PnR. He’s adding size and a player in Tristan Thompson who might not be able to shoot any worse than Jae Crowder right now. Playing alongside Jeff Green and Derrick Rose might actually make Jae want to live in the woods in isolation.

There’s still the J.R. Smith-can’t-shoot problem, or as I like to call it “wishing Kyrie was still here syndrome,” along with Derrick Rose having a higher chance of literally disappearing than Kevin Love guarding Steph on the perimeter. If Kyle Korver is known for two things it’s shooting and looking like Ashton Kutcher, and now his role to the Cavs’ offense is becoming more important than Kelso’s tomfoolery for Hyde’s one-liners.

This absolutely means the Pelicans should try to trade Rondo for Crowder, by the way. Rekindle the magic that the Mavericks so negligently summoned and keep Boogie, because I want to believe the Pels’ mediocrity is being caused by their incestual Kentucky-heavy roster, weighed down by Rajon’s edge and headband collection.

Kemba Walker must have shaken Michael Jordan’s hand for too long

Kemba Walker must have shaken Michael Jordan’s hand for too long

The Hornets have reportedly placed Kemba Walker on the trading block, leaving a team who was projected to make the playoffs trying to unload their best player midway through the season. For a team trying to cultivate an identity and make an impact in the unstable East, this decision looks more horrendous to the naked eye than Dwight Howard’s free throw percentage.

An injury to $120 million dollar man Nicolas Batum before the season even started put them in a tough spot, and add an injury to a Zeller without a Plumlee to step into the fold and the Hornets were destined to struggle. Not to mention head coach Steve Clifford missing 21 games due to migraines that we can assume were caused by Dwight Howard’s right elbow motion at the foul line, but to give up on the season this early? That’s an anti-Michael Jordan philosophy, an embarrassment that extends out to the Looney Tunes franchise.

Maybe the Hornets are looking at the impossibly top-heavy NBA and would rather start a mini-rebuild, but it doesn’t help that Bugs Bunny face-guarded by Elmer Fudd would be a more effective offensive player than lottery pick Malik Monk. Their team has the versatility and depth to compete in the East and, given the number of untradeable contracts they possess to actually put together an effective rebuild , this leaves one viable possibility:

Kemba rubbed Michael the wrong way more than the producers of Space Jam did respectable basketball fans by including Shawn Bradley.

Perhaps he gripped his hand too forcefully for too long after Mike reluctantly showed face during shootaround, or quite possibly he let a pair of Adidas fall out of his bag as he hastily moved out of the way for His Airness as he was escorted by a force of guards with the Jordan Brand logo tattooed on their foreheads.

Outside of Kemba not wanting the distraction of Cam Newton wearing a purple hat courtside and demanding a trade, the Hornets would be fools for trading him for anything less than a top three pick and a team willing to take on their awful uniforms like a bad contract.

Paul Pierce is getting his way

Paul Pierce is getting his way

Jalen Rose called Paul Pierce “petty,” a word more accurate than Kobe Bryant the night he scored 81 and had Jalen fantasizing about broadcasting. Paul Pierce should embrace Isaiah Thomas getting a pre-game tribute video the same night he gets his number retired, this is just entertainment 101. This would basically be Jerrod Carmichael opening for Dave Chappelle, not Jerrod coming out on stage during Dave’s closer like Paul is taking it.

Gordon Hayward walking out of the tunnel without a boot is more exciting for Celtics fans these days than seeing the third best player on a title team watch his jersey float to the rafters devoid of any distraction by a former fan-favorite make-a-wish-sized player anyway. Do the right things, Celtics brass: Have a little walk and talk with the man of the night in a hallway somewhere, and show Isaiah’s tribute video then. I’m sure the video ends with his daughter doing something absolutely adorable, so as Paul walks back onto the court the crowd will be in a complete frenzy, appeasing his chronic narcissism.

They should mix in highlight videos of Danny Ainge on the phone with Billy King, repeatedly telling him that age is only a number. Raise a banner with all of the hair Billy King ripped out taped to it simultaneously as Danny Ainge lights up a cigar at midcourt. The best plays from Jaylen Brown, Jayson Tatum and Kyrie Irving should be shown on the jumbotron as a “Thank you Paul!!!” message appears besides a still of him wearing a Nets jersey.

I don’t see why people in Paul’s circle treated him like Justin Bieber instead of telling him to take a trip to the concession stand while the crowd went berzerk over Isaiah Thomas. Celtics fans would probably rather watch Isaiah shake hands with Al Horford and Gordon Hayward in a meeting room while Billy King’s former intern brings Danny Ainge coffee, and that’s just the truth.